Future AU: letters to Inessa

[in_death_sacrifice]

Letters written by Kain to Inessa over the course of 9:43-9:44 Dragon. He carried them in a hidden pocket wherever he went, not noticing them after he lost his mind to red lyrium in mid-9:44. The letters were among the personal effects that were found on him after he was killed in Bloomingtide, 9:45.

All crossed out parts are generally scribbled or crossed over, but could be deciphered with a bit of work.

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Guardian 9:43 [Written on the back of a supply list]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Dear Inessa,

I know this may come as a surprise. That's why I thought it best to write this to you instead. It's perhaps easier somehow to relate these thoughts feelings on paper. I hope that you don't take this the wrong way
I mean no harm
I care about you deeply

We Wardens live on borrowed time, awaiting the inevitable song of our death. (Too dramatic? no, truth.) We must make the most of our time, as much as possible. I've been thinking about this ever since the wedding of my friends. I was so jealous of them, and I wished It's not merely that I felt jealousy toward them, though now that I've worked past that my feelings are clear. At the time, I was upset and had many confused thoughts feelings, things which I'm not used to confronting directly. I know neither of us are the sort to deal with such matters, but I've never felt happier
you make me feel more like myself
you are my center when I'm in need of

I know that it won't be easy. This world may be changing, but not fast enough for a human and an elf, a warrior and a mage. But I don't care, I never did. I would have confessed to you loud and clear in the middle of the Winter Palace itself if I'd known it back then. We come from separate worlds (no, too much- given rifters- and that other worlds exist)
different lifestyles
origins? upbringings

We may come from differing backgrounds, but I don't care about any of that. I've long since forsaken my old life. I'm a Warden above all else, and you are my equal, my fellow Warden. We never know when we might lose our lives in battle, or hear the Calling, so I wish to tell you, Inessa... I am feeling something that perhaps I shouldn't
care about you more than I can express
would like you to know that I'm
wish I could summon up the courage to tell you. That's why I'm telling you this now, in this way. Please, if you don't feel the same, I don't wish for this to affect our friendship in any way. You may disregard this and we can speak no more of it. I only need you to know.

Cordially,

Kain

Drakonis, 9:43 [Written on the back of a copy of The Ballad of Ayesleigh]

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Inessa,

How are you? Is everything I hope this letter finds you well. Perhaps this may seem strange, delivering this to you in written form, but I thought it would be for the best. I'm not the best at expressing It's difficult, sometimes, to put one's feelings into words, so I thought I would take my time and place them into writing. Then you may take your time as well, to read this and consider its contents.

Inessa, I've realized I've come to care for you more than I used to. I mean, I did always care for you, but Inessa, I've realized I've come to care for you more than ever before. You've always been a true friend to me. I don't want to take that for granted. We Wardens have only a short time, and as Inquisition fighters, we know our lives may end at any time. And with those disappearances of last month... it seems even more imperative that I say something. I'm developing feelings for you.

I don't ask for an answer to this anytime soon. Perhaps never, if that's how you would prefer, I only wish you to be happy. I don't know that I want an answer, I just need you to be aware.

Forgive me,

Cordially

Sincer

Yours,

Kain

Bloomingtide, 9:43 [This paper was crumpled up, with a failed attempt to smooth it out]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Inessa...

-You make my heart soar higher than the griffons
-Your hair is as soft as the gentlest? clouds, or like untouched? snowfall?
-You brighten my days like the brightest of magic spells
-Your eyes are intense and they see through my soul? heart? This seems too filled with gore?
-Your eyes are the ...eye? of the storm???
-Eyes just seem fitting in such writing, but I have no idea

When I hinted at my situation to my bard friend Edouard, he told me to try this in poetic language but I

I don't think I can do this.

What would even rhyme with Ness? Mess - no. Stress (Ness you spare me from stress?). Guess. (Guess how I feel?). Supress? (Iness, I can no longer supress) Confess. Bless

Bless you Ness, for being in my life
You bring me great comfort in times of strife
I confess to you Ness, the truth I've been hiding
my time I've been biding?
I love being near you and your mabari
For these words, I am sorry


No, no. No. Perhaps I shall take the words of another:
"when darkness comes
and swallows light
heed our words
and we shall rise"
Or is this too macabre? It's a favorite of mine, regardless. We fight that darkness together, after all. I couldn't survive it without you. We shall always rise together, Inessa.

This is immensely frivolous, I'll stop.

Solace, 9:43 [This creased paper was folded several times in several different directions]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Ness,

I ought to simply come out and say this. I keep trying, but every time I end up faltering, at a loss for words. You've no idea how many months I've agonized over this. The more time that passes, the more clear it becomes. Please, don't be alarmed by this. What I'm telling you is what's inside my heart
the objective truth
something I cannot deny
difficult to say, but
the full truth of how I feel about you.

You are a good
noble
beautiful
courageous
strong
perfect

wonderful person, both inside and out. When I have your attention, when I see you smile, I feel better
stronger
happier
more worthy
no happier, yes happier than ever before. I'm not one for poetics, but your eyes are the calm in the storm of my life. You've been my stability for so long, and I hope that I have something to offer you in return. You and Garahel both. You are everyone I've ever wanted in another person, and I hope that we can share our lives together or what's left of them for us.

Yours truly,

With love,

Kain

Harvestmere, 9:43 [Written in haste on plain nondescript paper, looks rushed]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Ness,

I love You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you, when we see one another daily. In truth, I'm not sure I can go on with things as they are. No, I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that I can remain silent no longer. Inessa... I've noticed that I have feelings foryou. New feelings. You're a friend who I value more than any other, and I wish you to know that. I spend time waiting for you, thinking about you, looking for some excuse to play beside Garahel just so I can be in your presence. (Though I also enjoy his company for its own sake. Perhaps I should speak my confession to him as an audience and see how I fare). I'm not sure how to go about this, but

Wintermarch, 9:44 [Written on specialized paper with cute little mabaris on it]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Happy Birthday, Nessa.

I hope that you enjoy your gifts. I also felt like this was the right time to say it. Inessa, I've been having feelings for you, for quite some time. I've remained silent for months, nearly a year now, because I value our friendship and don't wish to ruin it
I'm terrified of rejection
I've failed already, and perhaps you don't feel the same
I don't deserve you
we probably shouldn't do this, when death may take us at any time

No, what does it matter why I've been silent? I'm breaking my silence now. I'm telling you today on your special day. It seems appropriate. Inessa,


Ness, I

Guardian, 9:44 [Written on paper with festive designs, clearly made in Orlais]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Happy Wintersend, Nessa.

I hope you enjoy your gifts. With so much chaos arising all at once, I had little time to get you much. I apologize. Consider this my word that I'll make it up to you next year.

Has there ever been something you've wanted to tell someone, but you couldn't find the words for it? Have you ever been so in awe of your feelings that you feel overcome by it?

It's like the first time I glimpsed a dragon in the wild, or saw the griffons fly...

I'm not explaining this too well. What I wish to say

Drakonis, 9:44 [There are drops of blood splattered on this paper which was ripped in half]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Ness,

As I'm preparing to depart for Orlais, I've decided to give you this message to consider before we're reunited. Nothing I can say will express this adequately, but I feel I ought to say this now.

Inessa, I love you.

Perhaps it comes as a shock. Perhaps not. No matter what, let it be known that I've developed feelings about you. for you. This has been a long time coming, but now I'm more sure of it than ever. I get anxious? flustered around you, especially over the course of this past year. Please don't think me a coward, for not saying anything yet, I've tried several times but none of them rang true to me.

You brighten my days with your presence. I feel the same thrill in your presence as I do when upon the back of a Griffon. You complete me in a way no one else has before or since. You make me feel more myself. Perhaps we came from very different lives, but now they're inextricably intertwined. You are calm, kind, trustworthy, loyal, beautiful.

Undoubtedly, once you're finished with your own mission you'll be sent to join us. It's right where we belong as Wardens, after all. If this is another Blight as they claim... well, we'll have our work cut out for us. I'll be sure to leave some corrupted darkspawn for you to kill. Someday, after this is over

Drakonis, 9:44 [Kain's handwriting gets uncharacteristically messy at times]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Ness,

"When darkness comes and swallows light..."

I believe I may have failed you. You need to know something. I've kept it to myself for so long and I know it was a mistake. Please, don't think less of me for this. Inessa, I care for you. I've fallen in love with you. All I ever want is to be near you, resting comfortably with Garahel beside us... I need you in my life. I miss when things were simpler.

I've said nothing, shown nothing, but in that battle where I was wounded, I was also
I was infected, Ness I
It's gotten me. This red growth is sickening, a disease which will

I care about you. I love you. I need you to know this. I would do anything for you.

I miss the old days. Frightening how so much can change so quickly.

Bloomingtide, 9:44 [Kain's handwriting has deteriorated further, sloppy and barely looks the same]

[in_death_sacrifice]

Ness I don't know how long I have. Ness, I'm deeply sorry. I've failed. I am losing this battle. I've failed you and Garahel both. Whatever happens now, please remember me as I was and not

I waited too long, I confessed too late. Now I pay the ultimate price. Should I say a thing at all? Or would this just wound you further when the inevitable happens? "When darkness comes, and swallows light, heed our words and..."

Please, take care of yourself, and take care of Garahel. I cherish you both. I love you. That will remain true, whatever happens to me. Remember that. Remember me.

Justinian, 9:44 [The writing is a scrawl, letters barely recognizable]

[in_death_sacrifice]

SAVE
ME